I Am a Brutally Soft Woman...
laced with steel.
The habitual dualism that the patriarchy associates with femininity has never sat right with me. God forbid a man try to comprehend the complexities of a woman, let alone allow women to simply exist without being categorized. The experience of womanhood is not limited to an explicable dichotomy; I am multifaceted in ways even I have yet to comprehend. Each aspect of me grows and evolves with each other as time passes. With these co-existing feelings I fear I have inadvertently suppressed a significant element of myself. Where did my softness go? Have I forced my vulnerability into a monotonic exile in an attempt to guard my emotions? I am at my core a brutally soft woman laced with steel.
Lately, I’ve been fascinated by the masculine and feminine energy as it has been the forefront of my spiritual struggle. For most of my young adult life, I’ve been encompassed by extreme masculine energy that never harmonized with the feminine. I never once thought I needed balance because masculine energy is perceived as inherently stronger, confident, and more stable. Feminine energy has always been considered weak and in the specific situation I was in, I couldn’t afford to be. I would let my throat tie itself in knots trying to pacify the intricate emotions that begged to be expressed. I would shoot misdirected daggers out of my mouth to distract from the flood of tears that were to follow. Anger has never been my default. Even when I had the courage to properly express my thoughts it was like screaming at a brick wall. I was never afforded a proper vessel for elaboration and understanding. I became hard as a way to cope with this ignorance.
And there's nothin' like a mad woman
What a shame she went mad
No one likes a mad woman
You made her like that
And you'll poke that bear 'til her claws come out
And you find something to wrap your noose around
And there's nothin' like a mad woman
mad woman, Taylor Swift
How I’m nurturing my feminine energy:
The most integral expression of my femininity has been afforded to me through my hobbies. Since returning to dance, I’ve been reminded that I am allowed to take up space; I feel empowered moving through my emotions. I also feel nurtured when I’m surrounded by my girl friends. Indulging in deep conversations where we all feel heard while expanding on thoughts with reciprocity and compassion. My time spent alone is often prioritized for introspection and rituals. I have an abundance of journals, nonsensical notes app entries and poorly constructed poems that capture my (most often derailed) train of thoughts. These spaces allow me to tap into my most vulnerable feelings and express them unapologetically.
In case my words didn’t resonate:
To all the women reading this, your softness is your strength. Cherish your delicate armour, and I promise to uphold yours as I will my own.
xoxo, Mags